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Random Thoughts of Steph

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19th December 2006

3:28pm: new lj
I added you as friends so I could spill more thoughts out...this journal is to be deleted

(3 SOMETHINGs | SAY ANYTHING)

12th December 2006

11:37am: New code needed...
Okay, so I've been doing a lot of writing lately but i need to clean the slate, a fresh start...a fresh notebook to jot it all down in, anyone have a code they'll let me use?? Email me and help me out, much love-Steph

(1 SOMETHING | SAY ANYTHING)

11th November 2006

12:53pm: I'm leaving on a jet plane...don't know if I'll be back again...(probably not)
...time to pack my shit up and leave this behind...Scott that means you have to call me now instead of messaging me on this thing (or email: sab_steph@hotmail.com) and thanks for coming to see me play last night by the way!...that goes for the rest of you, wanna know what's up, email me.

(SAY ANYTHING)

6th November 2006

9:48am: and it's all so fucking brilliant I never want to come back down...
...made a friend last night at the show, Ivy, she's coming to see me play on Monday...we're going to have them turn the lights down so it's not so damn scary in that place...and then I'm going to fucking rock it...and scream...well, not scream, but project my voice...no more of this holding back shit...no more censoring myself either...I've been careful for far too long and now I'm living and breathing and aware of it all in a completely new way...gotta go meet Steph (dearest roommate...goth princess)...more rambling later.

(SAY ANYTHING)

4th November 2006

8:58am: You are so fucking beautiful and you don't even know it yet....
...I can hardly grasp it myself...

...24 days.

...I have never felt this beautiful.

...time to grap an egg and cheese bagel from Sonny's, screenprint my ass off, and be distracted by good music and the occasional glance at a letter I still can not believe.

(1 SOMETHING | SAY ANYTHING)

31st October 2006

10:38am: It's been 19 days and counting and I still haven't fallen down...
...Belle and Sebastien was amazing...beautiful...wonderful...

Happy Halloween everyone!

(SAY ANYTHING)

21st October 2006

6:38pm: apparently it is now 2006...
...the only way to say it...the only way to really begin to do it justice...is to say, I've never felt this real before...I've never been this aware of (or happy about) my own existence...wow...I never want to fall from this.

(4 SOMETHINGs | SAY ANYTHING)

14th October 2006

5:54pm: When you were young you were the king of carrot flowers...
...I've been smiling...alot more...alot more randomly...and that's a good thing...I feel good...I breathe easy...easier...I don't think about it as much...it has a lot to do with the music I've been listening to...it has alot to do with the people I've been hanging out with...it has alot to do with me figuring things out...



...I'm late to class...

(4 SOMETHINGs | SAY ANYTHING)

13th October 2003

12:35pm: I'm not afraid anymore...
...remember that classic moment in Home Alone when Kevin wanders out into the street and screams"I'm not afraid anymore" well, that's kind of how I feel right now...like I'm conquering things...it's a nice nice feeling...although that's not to say a creepy guy with a shovel won't send me screaming back into my house at any moment...why I chose Home Alone for this comparison, well, even I don't understand my brain sometimes...
...I wrote a new song...it's pretty...I like it...but I might just keep it for myself and never play it for anyone...we'll see...
...my mom is coming into town for my birthday this weekend, I told her I wanted her to be the first person I get drunk with so that's what we're doing on Saturday night...
...my brother is the coolest person on earth-he went to homecoming in a corduroy suit and red hightops and better yet called me at midnight to tell me how it went...while his girlfriend kept asking who he was talking to...he finally told her to shut up 'cause he was on the phone with his sister (stupid stupid girlfriend...ugh)...
...I have been listening to The Postal Service for the past two days...it's brilliant, it's beautiful, it makes me really happy ...that's all.

(9 SOMETHINGs | SAY ANYTHING)

11th October 2003

4:52pm: ugh
scratch it all away and add it up to nothing...honesty would be a nice change of scenery 'cause then I could stop lying to myself.

(2 SOMETHINGs | SAY ANYTHING)

4:43pm: I have this fear...
I have this fear of walking in front of occupied parked cars...I imagine that any moment the headlights will flash on, the engine will roar to life and the driver will shift that car into gear...plowing over my helpless gaze and I'll be left broken into pieces...and that will be the end of things...
It will be the end of things 'cause that will be the point in which too much to handle has occurred and I'll have no idea how to make myself whole again...

(SAY ANYTHING)

6th October 2003

5:00pm: uh huh uh huh uh huh
I finished my paper...yeah...I did (dances around computer room...is now free to embark outside)

(SAY ANYTHING)

5th October 2003

6:26pm: sidenote for sidenote's sake...
...I'm not fragile anymore...just honest with myself and everyone else...but that doesnt't mean it doesn't hurt...it also doesn't mean I'm going to let it anymore... (edited, deleted, question mark)

(SAY ANYTHING)

5:31pm: rainy days have brought clouds into my horoscope...perhaps if I changed my sign life would improve..
I have run out of things to say, I have run out of things to do...when I run out of things to see I hope I go blind.

My sister wrote me the best letter ever the other day, it said : "Dear sissy, I love you. You are pretty and have pretty hair, love Whitney" It is now taped to my wall...

...other random compliment taped to my wall: a drawing of me that a stranger drew in the subway...I was afraid of insulting him since I had no money to give him but he didn't ask for any...the picture looks like an angry little kid...which is cool to me, I'd rather come across as a frustrated little kid than a depressed adult...I'm not by the way...depressed (or an adult)...

...there are about a million squirrels in our neighborhood right now and I love them all...I watched two of them chase eachother around a tree today and had to smile...Leigh's dad sent us a book on flying squirrels 'cause he thinks they'd make a good pet for us....seems to be a trend....

...adult responsibilities/worries/confusion/complications....suck....I wish I was a little kid and the biggest thing I had to worry about was coming up with a tricky new serve in four square so I could stay in the longest...four square...I should play that...or I should just start running around my apartment acting like the floor is lava and I have to avoid touching it by jumping from piece of furniture to piece of furniture...what is behind my refusal to grow up I might never know...although it might have something to do with the fact that I'm too grown up most of the time and long for more innocence and naivety...


...I have been sleeping 10 hours or more a night and I wake up tired...this is not a good thing...

I have an hour to kill before I return to work...I have nothing productive to do...and anything else means spending money...so I continue to write...

...I want someone to take naps with...

...and at the same time I want to be completely and utterly alone most of the time... (cross "long to be confusing" off my list of things to do)

...I need to get lost...inside my head...inside my work...inside of time...

...we have a pumpkin on our porch that says "slayer" (thanks Nathan and Matt)

...too bad our landlord sucks...'cause the pumpkin would have been a nice addition to the pirate flag that is now hanging in our kitchen instead of decorating the outside of our apartment...

I will be 21 in two weeks and wonder if that means I will be drunk as well...inevitably I think the answer is yes, it's about time...no, I will not be an alcoholic...and yes, it's about time...

...I need to draw more often...skill comes with practice and I've been drawing the same thing so long I'm not sure if I remember how to do anything else...

...there's a sign on the wall advertising a room for rent and I can't help but think "wow, that's a hundred and twenty bucks less than my room" and in the same thought, "yeah, but I'd never move out"...

...the room above mine is occupied by a very squeaky bed...this bed either encompasses a couple that is constantly proclaiming their love to eachother in an oh-so-very physical way or a room full of kids who jump on the bed all the time...there are days when either of these options makes me very happy and mornings where the first makes me drag my pillow over my head with thoughts of suffocation...

...this is a very long post....read on or don't, it's all for my own selfish venting purposes anyway....

...I have a headache...and I need to pee 'cause I just drank a giant biggie sized orange soda from Wendy's...

...but that will have to wait like so many other things...

...sometimes knowing how you feel is really comforting and enough to make it all okay and sometimes you just need more and more answers and clarification and definition and reassurance and it's so frustrating you want to pound your head into the wall...

...then there are days filled with so many subtle pleasures that everything is still and calm...and for a while even makes sense....

....I haven't decided what kind of day today is yet...I'm letting it decide for me...

...I need a walk....some air...a random encounter...a smile from a stranger or even just a knowing glance....gotta get out of this room (this life , this skin, this hair)...it's okay...once my head hits the pillow tonight I'll forget it all again...

(3 SOMETHINGs | SAY ANYTHING)

29th September 2003

2:53pm: the questions continue to fog my ability to be productive
I cause stomach aches that I only end up choking on in the end...kharma's a bitch and so am I sometimes...I'm also listening to the Cure which can be exactly that, the remedy to all my problems and at the same time just make them all more dramatic and put them to music so they echo in my head more easily...if I sound depressed it's because I am sometimes and also because it's a way to mock anything that's real...these are just the words I type as they come out of my head where I didn't even know I had stored them in the first place. I wish I could sound happy, fresh, and alive but life's not like that all the time...there are those dead moments when the leaves are falling and everything is so uncertain...I can breathe now, but I'm still thinking about it and that's how you know everything under the surface is still corrupted with doubt. I think this will pass...tomorrow it will all be different because there will be distraction...disregard...don't pay too much attention, because if you misinterpret it than we're no better off...and I'm still lost, but I'm starting to spy crumbs of the bread I left behind so I could find my way...I'm just not there yet, 'cause I'm left connecting the dots from one to the other while those in between have been eaten, lost, forgotten...I need a good concert with loud music and the ability to sleep in the next morning...I need to know (on my own, all alone, with no voices encouraging me) that I am worth it...where did that go?

(7 SOMETHINGs | SAY ANYTHING)

2:31pm: so maybe I did lose myself, but hopefully I'll find my footprints again soon...
this was in my horoscope today:"You all have to be comfortable if you want to get anything done."...
...interesting...

so...this whole fight between discomfort and insecurity should just be done already so we can comfortably and confidently not be together and that be okay 'cause it just sort of has to be for now...cool, done...next problem...

I quit the Gap, which does indeed make me happy, although I'm not sure what this means financially, there's an odd refreshment to not being completely sure how I'm going to pay rent...it's nice to feel a bit irresponsible...although, I'm not sure the Gap realizes I'm gone yet...does not showing up two days in a row count as quitting? (yeah...I'm afraid of confrontation...sue me, I'm being rebellious and irresponsible)

I have been losing track of that "I can do anything" persona that I had a really good grip on for a while...I should reapply that confidence to me...and to us...okay, done...next?





...if life were that easy, we'd all be happy by now.

(SAY ANYTHING)

28th September 2003

4:49pm: Phew...for a minute there, I lost myself....
...Mates of State= good times had by all even though it means I missed dear Mike's surprise birthday party (it's okay though...I went over early and toilet papered his room and left him a nice note...yeah, Mike...that was me...the brunette "cool" steph)... I feel good again and I think I have figured out a way that I can quit the Gap...loan or no loan...which only makes things even better...

(SAY ANYTHING)

26th September 2003

6:55pm: what will happen to my hands and other realizations....
What will become of my hands: My hands will inevitably wander around, tapping miscellaneous table tops, constantly searching for something to occupy their attention, they will be entangled in guitar strings a few more times and often they'll be comfortable in disguises of paint and ink and not mind that they are often smudged and uncared for...they'll grow soft like my mothers and instinctively discover what it means to hold and care for something (like small life...like children...like a love)...they'll inevitably know more than I do...and discover more terrain than my feet because feeling is the only way to ever really know anything...they will trail past fence posts and bricks on buildings as I walk down street after street searching for something I don't already know...they'll end up crossed on my chest like everyone elses and I hope there are people left who will remember their touch.

I felt amazing once...I'm going back to that

(1 SOMETHING | SAY ANYTHING)

25th September 2003

3:51pm: questions to ask yourself...
what do you want to know and what will become of your hands?

(SAY ANYTHING)

2:53pm: a piece of writing for your dietary pleasure
the pain of absence eats my heart, but I don't let on.
I play the role of the responsible young adult, claim that I know what I'm doing, I know what's good for me, and move on. I try new things, play with thoughts of changing identity, but I've known who I am since I was 14, so what's the point? I find myself swimming through the motions, going through a checklist of unnecessary actions to come to a conclusion I can already see, already grasp, all because that is what I am supposed to do.
the pain of absence eats my heart. I don't let on.



(I know I know, eating hearts...I'm so emo.)

(3 SOMETHINGs | SAY ANYTHING)

24th September 2003

5:40pm: missing things, missing life, missing you....and the story continues to unfold...
apparently last week I left the open mic and missed everyone singing along to kharma police...too bad i was starving, tired, and had to work the next day...I would have stuck around...
...I have spent the last two hours cramming for a symbolic logic exam and it felt oddly comforting to be doing "normal" school work...okay, so some might call me crazy, but I can't get enough of this stuff, it's like learning another language...
...ran into Daniel today, I was thinking of telling him off for Krista, but I can tell he's in a happy place with Jill so I decided to leave it alone and just enjoy his company in the elevator since I hardly see the kid (although that doesn't mean I've changed my mind...I still think he should marry krista and forget Jill, but he's gotta figure it all out)

hmmm....lots to say but I'll let it swim in my head for now.

(SAY ANYTHING)

11:10am: I wish today was tomorrow and tomorrow was yesterday...
...I'm feeling a little tortured right now...a little weak in the knees, light in the head...heavy in the heart...lack of sleep and a head cold don't help much...
...I wish there were answers to questions and that things made sense...
...I wish I was 25 and settled instead of 20 and confused...

...I saw a young couple with two twin boys today loading them into a car down the street from my place, I found myself envious...and more confused...

(4 SOMETHINGs | SAY ANYTHING)

23rd September 2003

5:39pm: holy crud...if only I had a hammer...
I could seriously kill this kid...somehow he has managed to print 100 or so pages of absolute nonsense and guess what...yeah...he's still printing...mean while everyone else is waiting for all of his shit to spew out of the printer so that we can print actual work...you know, for class...ugh ugh ugh...I need a computer and a printer so I can continue to be a nice person because this crap is making me evil...yes, evil...as in if I had a hammer I'd be in trouble right now (evil laughter at the thought of what I would do to baseball hat kid if I had the right tools)...okay, I think my stuff might actually be printing now....nope...same kid, another book...everyone hates him...and yet, he goes on printing...he must know some kind of code to override everyone else's print command...I'm convinced...he's gotten into the system and corrupted it and my stuff will forever be lost somewhere between my computer and the printer....guess what...baseball hat just left and uh...his stuff is still printing...yeah, he's my favorite person in the entire world!!! I love him really, I might just marry him....ugh...stupid stupid...(laughing) at least this ranting is entertaining me and helping pass the time while stupid kid continues to print even when he's not in the room...yeah, he rules...aaaaaaaagggggghhh..
okay, I'm done now.

(SAY ANYTHING)

5:31pm: this is the song I am singing in my head very sarcastically...
"I'm trying to print yes yes yes
I only want to print oh yes yes yes yes
but stupid kid in baseball cap keeps printing hundreds of pages and it's taking hours and I'll never get to print oh no oh no"

ugh.

(SAY ANYTHING)

22nd September 2003

3:40pm: there's something nice about gravity-you don't have to think about where to fall...
...why is it when I'm supposed to be doing something productive like writing a paper, I end up on this thing? eh.

I should write fast so I can hang out with my dear friend before it is time for open mic goodness...Scott's playing tonight (aren't you Scott) and maybe I will join him...I don't know though, maybe I should stick with the visual art and leave the musical kind to others...we'll see...

(SAY ANYTHING)

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