Steph (stepharooni) wrote,
Steph
stepharooni

rainy days have brought clouds into my horoscope...perhaps if I changed my sign life would improve..

I have run out of things to say, I have run out of things to do...when I run out of things to see I hope I go blind.

My sister wrote me the best letter ever the other day, it said : "Dear sissy, I love you. You are pretty and have pretty hair, love Whitney" It is now taped to my wall...

...other random compliment taped to my wall: a drawing of me that a stranger drew in the subway...I was afraid of insulting him since I had no money to give him but he didn't ask for any...the picture looks like an angry little kid...which is cool to me, I'd rather come across as a frustrated little kid than a depressed adult...I'm not by the way...depressed (or an adult)...

...there are about a million squirrels in our neighborhood right now and I love them all...I watched two of them chase eachother around a tree today and had to smile...Leigh's dad sent us a book on flying squirrels 'cause he thinks they'd make a good pet for us....seems to be a trend....

...adult responsibilities/worries/confusion/complications....suck....I wish I was a little kid and the biggest thing I had to worry about was coming up with a tricky new serve in four square so I could stay in the longest...four square...I should play that...or I should just start running around my apartment acting like the floor is lava and I have to avoid touching it by jumping from piece of furniture to piece of furniture...what is behind my refusal to grow up I might never know...although it might have something to do with the fact that I'm too grown up most of the time and long for more innocence and naivety...


...I have been sleeping 10 hours or more a night and I wake up tired...this is not a good thing...

I have an hour to kill before I return to work...I have nothing productive to do...and anything else means spending money...so I continue to write...

...I want someone to take naps with...

...and at the same time I want to be completely and utterly alone most of the time... (cross "long to be confusing" off my list of things to do)

...I need to get lost...inside my head...inside my work...inside of time...

...we have a pumpkin on our porch that says "slayer" (thanks Nathan and Matt)

...too bad our landlord sucks...'cause the pumpkin would have been a nice addition to the pirate flag that is now hanging in our kitchen instead of decorating the outside of our apartment...

I will be 21 in two weeks and wonder if that means I will be drunk as well...inevitably I think the answer is yes, it's about time...no, I will not be an alcoholic...and yes, it's about time...

...I need to draw more often...skill comes with practice and I've been drawing the same thing so long I'm not sure if I remember how to do anything else...

...there's a sign on the wall advertising a room for rent and I can't help but think "wow, that's a hundred and twenty bucks less than my room" and in the same thought, "yeah, but I'd never move out"...

...the room above mine is occupied by a very squeaky bed...this bed either encompasses a couple that is constantly proclaiming their love to eachother in an oh-so-very physical way or a room full of kids who jump on the bed all the time...there are days when either of these options makes me very happy and mornings where the first makes me drag my pillow over my head with thoughts of suffocation...

...this is a very long post....read on or don't, it's all for my own selfish venting purposes anyway....

...I have a headache...and I need to pee 'cause I just drank a giant biggie sized orange soda from Wendy's...

...but that will have to wait like so many other things...

...sometimes knowing how you feel is really comforting and enough to make it all okay and sometimes you just need more and more answers and clarification and definition and reassurance and it's so frustrating you want to pound your head into the wall...

...then there are days filled with so many subtle pleasures that everything is still and calm...and for a while even makes sense....

....I haven't decided what kind of day today is yet...I'm letting it decide for me...

...I need a walk....some air...a random encounter...a smile from a stranger or even just a knowing glance....gotta get out of this room (this life , this skin, this hair)...it's okay...once my head hits the pillow tonight I'll forget it all again...
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